This is a little story about that time I flashed my vagina in the Leura mall.
I had just finished watching four consecutive seasons of Scandal, interspersed by short breaks where I pretended I was actually listening to people and just laughed hysterically when they looked at me waiting for an answer.
via GIPHY
I decided I needed to have a day out. WITH OTHER HUMANS. So I headed to the Blue Mountains. I didn't go as far as inviting a friend along. I figured if I got lonely I could just sit weirdly close to people and slap them on the knee if I found something they said particularly funny.
via GIPHY
Walking through Leura, I thought...this is great! Humans aren't so bad! Look at me putting one foot in front of the other and not falling over! Personal victory, much?
But then I needed to pee, FAST. So I found one of those singular public toilets with the button that you press and the door slides open. Just outside of Woolworths.
It's just a frosted glass sliding door between you and the general public. I can't stress that enough. THERE'S NOTHING BUT A FROSTED GLASS SLIDING DOOR BETWEEN YOU AND THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
Being the risk taker I am, I headed in. I had just sat down on the toilet and the door opened.
THE FROSTED GLASS SLIDING DOOR BETWEEN ME AND THE GENERAL PUBLIC OPENED.
via GIPHY
Standing there, mouth agape, was a middle age American woman, wearing a t-shirt with a koala on it, tucked into some high waisted cargo shorts, and one of those hats with the little fan on it.*
She said something along the lines 'Oh gee honey, I'm real sorry,'* while Saturday shoppers multi-tasked pushing their trolleys past and shielding their children's eyes from the horror.
I jumped up, trying to pull up my pants, and pressing the 'close door' button at the same time.
But the American woman was also pressing buttons so the door kept closing half way and opening again. It was like I was involved in a pantless tug of war. And I was the only one not wearing pants.
via GIPHY
So I was standing there still pulling up my pants, pressing the button manically and yelling at the American woman to stop pressing the MOTHERFUCKING BUTTONS. But she would not STOP.
At this point I estimated that my vajayjay had been on display for around thirty seconds. That's about 29 seconds too long for an unexpected vagina cameo during your weekly grocery shop.
Eventually, I just stuck my head out the door and said 'You NEED to leave NOW. Please just leave.'
MIRACLES DO HAPPEN! She left. The door closed. I hovered above the seat and did the fastest, most efficient wee of my life, with my eyes trained on the door the whole time. It was like I had been training for this day my whole life.
Go to the Blue Mountains they said. It'll be fun, they said! NOPE. Back to Netflix.
via GIPHY
*None of this is true. I'm pretty sure she had an American accent, but I have no idea what she was wearing. Creative license, bitches.
*Again, I'm taking liberties. I had no pants on - I'm not a reliable witness.
Missed my last post? Tap that.
