7 signs that you're a broke-ass bitch.

I get it. Being totally skint can sneak up on you like a serial killer in a windowless van.

There have been periods in my life where I would swear I had my finances completely under control, but in reality I was trying to recreate the barter system with my electricity provider (apparently you CAN'T pay your bill with over the phone karaoke sessions).

If you're wondering where you sit on the scale of financially fine to fuck me I'm povvo, I've identified seven signs that you could be a broke-ass bitch:

1. You still ask food vendors what you can get for $2, like it's 1991 and you're at the school tuck shop.

No, your late-night kebab guy won't start a tab for you. No matter how much you tell him you love him. The dude's trying to run a business. Go home, you're drunk and only a few steps away from homelessness. 

2. You fill up your online shopping cart like you're a Real Housewive only to abandon it at the last minute like a bad Tinder date.

Image via Warner Bros. 

When your inbox starts filling up with 'did you forget something?' emails from your favourite shops, you know you've been spending way too much time stacking up your carts with things you had no intention of ever buying, when you could have been spending that time, I don't know, making some cold hard cash?

3. You decide you don't really need milk this week, you can get all your calcium requirements from that family size block of chocolate anyway.

Everyone has to budget, but when your budget means deciding between toothpaste and toilet paper, you're probably not 'looking after yourself' like an actor in one of those Healthy Choice ads from the 90's.

4. Your card gets declined at Coles and you make up an imaginary husband who's always transferring money between accounts without letting you know.

Image via Universal Pictures. 

Mate, even the pimply-faced checkout boy knows you don't have a husband. Go home to your cat and work out a savings plan between you.

5. A bill arrives in the mail and you throw it on top of a pile of it's unopened mates - that's a problem for future you!

Trust me, future you is not going to thank you for this. She's going to have to go on reality TV and renovate some bogans house and talk about her 'journey' to make enough money to pay off all those bills.

6. You know exactly how far you can drive after the low fuel warning light comes on.

If your fuel light comes on a Sunday and you can calculate how many trips you can make between now and when you get paid on Wednesday - CONGRATULATIONS, you're an amazing hustler and great at maths. Also, you're fucking broke.

7. When you get an influx of money, you immediately blow it all on magazines and scented candles.

Let's face it, poor people don't know what to do with money. We get all 'started from the bottom now we here' with that shit and end up back in the exact same position within 24 hours of receiving a lump sum.

Missed my last post? Tap that.